A segway [sic] to class discrimination

Whilst travelling for work last month, I viewed a story on CNN about a man whose condo complex was going to deny him the use of his Segway! (If you didn't know, I love dudes riding Segways, especially cops.) Fortunately for all of us, they came to their senses. Initially, the condo management claimed the rolling wonder of physics "endangered lives", but they "failed to prove their case". Apparently, their attempts to throw people in front of the old dude's ride caused nothing but tread burns and husky apologies. Stanley Blumenthal: Jubilant!

In other news, I had several funny moments on a Continental flight from Newark to Chicago a few weeks ago (air travel story...big surprise). Most of you know that many airlines are charging $15 for any checked bag now. And most of the airlines that are charging $15 for a checked bag call it the "first checked bag charge", or simply "checked bag charge". We get it - we're being charged to give you the suitcase which, by law, cannot be taken on the plane with us. Fine.

But not Continental. Continental Airlines not only takes your $15, but they cause you to examine your life and all its mistakes and confusion. The official name for the charge?

"Excess Baggage Fee"

I am not making this up. This fee is not for your 2nd, 3rd, or eleventeenth bag. For your first bag. Your one and only suitcase, maybe. But you should pay for that one suitcase, as it is clearly and in all contrast to proper travel decorum, excessive. And you should be reminded of that fact in print.

"How's that new passenger, Continental? Your relationship growing?"
"Yeah, Delta, I guess so. He's pretty great - sits where he's assigned, always finds an efficient space for his carryon in the overhead compartment, keeps his iPod volume at a respectful level. But he's got some...baggage."

If you peruse Continental's website, the "excess baggage" term simply applied to heavy/oversize bags in the past, and the fine was much more for those indiscretions. But the gadget in their system that applies fees and prints your receipt for you wasn't worth changing, I guess, so your check-in screen and receipt are there to remind you of all the burdens and toiletries you're lugging along in this crazy, mixed up world.

As if this wasn't enough, I then had to endure an actual case of class discrimination by Continental's award winning cabin staff, North America's best. Maybe I was more sensitive to the situation than normal. I was, after all, engrossed in Sinclair's The Jungle, empathetic to Jurgis's unending struggle against the corporate machine and all its political and social injustice. It came down to the one simple amenity that even airlines haven't chopped: The Lavatory. I had patiently waited through some turbulence, and finally the seat belt sign was off. I looked back to the tail of the airplane (I was in row 7, just 5 rows back from the small First Class section) to see a small line gathered near the lavatories - both occupied - as well as the clattering beverage carts being prepared for service. Earlier at the airport, I had downed an afternoon coffee as well as a bottle of water, but was in a hurry-up mode once I reached the gate, and boarded without making a pit stop.

Boldly, I stepped through the curtain separating Coach from the First Class section. And really - do airlines need to patronize us by calling our section "Coach"? Like we're duped into thinking our rigid, leg-roomless, disease-carrying fabric-wrapped seats are some sort of hired transport in the olden days? Anyway, the forward lavatory is clearly empty, and I'm clearly going to use it.

The forward attendant, a foot shorter than I, literally steps in front of me and says, "Sir, would you mind using the rear lavatories?"
"Yes, I would. It's busy and the carts are going to block me anyway."
"No, I see that the carts are still being prepared. You'll have time to get back to your seat."

I really wanted to come up with a smart, sure, even aggressive statement to get by her, but all I mustered was a roll of the eyes and a quick turn. At this point, I noticed my surroundings - a grand total of EIGHT people in this section, all occupied in the Wall Street Journal or sleeping, and one lavatory, vacant. My churning brain did some quick 737 math, and realized there were about 140 people in Coach for the two lavatories there. 8:1 vs. 70:1. This operation would've taken me no more than a minute, and not one of the people would've even noticed!

I shuffled my way down to the rear and, of course, had to step into a vacant seat (whose occupant was in line for the lavatory) to let the beverage cart by. GRRRRRR! And more of coursely, upon my return, had to ask the beverage cart wranglers to push it up a few rows so I could get into my seat. As I was standing there, I shot that forward attendant's eyes the nastiest glance I could generate, which unfortunately appeared to her as nothing but a calming field of blue ice. (nothing I can do about that, right ladies?)

All the fees, fares, taxes, and leg cramps in the world can be explained and even understood by this traveller. But lavatory restrictions based on your seat assignment when all logic and circumstance show a better solution? Sheer madness.

I'd like to apologize for the overuse of links in the first paragraph, especially for a silly story about a Segway, a vehicle which I have never commandeered, despite my distant fascination.

Vegas Idea

Dudes, dudes, seriously, dudes: This is what we should do in Vegas. Just look at how much fun they're all having! That side shot is reminiscent of the Beatles on Abbey Road, so you know it must be good. I wrote a song about it to the tune of Ode to Joy:

Segways Segways Segways Segways
Segways Segways Se-egways!
Segways Segways Segways Segways
Segways Segways Se-egways!

Vegas Segways Ri-di-ing Segways
Dudes o-on Segways su-per rad!
Watch us rock those safety helmets
Flowered shirts and Se-eg-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaays!

Even though you knew - just by glancing - that the entire first verse was just the word Segway over and over again, you still had to sing it in your head to get through to the next verse, DIDN'T YOU! Ha! And that, my friends, is the magic of song. Good night now.

Super Bowl XLII ad review

Well, the Pats disappointed, but not nearly as bad as the ad world. Does Hollywood's writers' strike somehow affect Madison Avenue? Seriously, I've seen better overall creativity in those local ads on cable - you know, the family tire store ad where the barely literate daughter of the owner is reading a line about quality and service, and then gives a toothy grin and thumbs up? We've all seen it.

If you want a truly professional ad review, read Bob Garfield's on Adage.com - he's the best. It's raw, opinionated, and fairly jaded by his years in the business. I'll put the link below (and link to the ads themselves), but first, try and stomach my amateurish thoughts.

Let's start with the perennial overblown contributor: Bud Light. While not particularly original, the fire breather was funny, and the neanderthal-tire spot was okay too. I don't understand why they drop in the 2-second final scene after the logo/tagline - the scene is generally worse than the main ad and leaves me with a bitter beer taste. Best laugh: Will Ferrell as Jackie Moon. How long will his modified Ron Burgundy voice and personality keep us laughing? It still works for me.

Nice to see that CocaCola can still make warm fuzzy ads. Who'd-a-thunk Charlie Brown would star in this year's ads? I enjoyed trying to verbalize Stewie the balloon's thoughts as he fought for the Coke with Underdog; "Blast it all, you mangy mutt!" The political-pundit ad was lost on me, but why do I find two guys on Segways so amusing? (Aside): Yesterday, at SLC airport, we saw two cops rolling around on Segways near the baggage claim. Their machines had custom side-mounted storage bins and "POLICE" stickers all over them. Ooh - menacing. My guess is they filed a boredom complaint (it's the SLC airport) and were given the scooting podiums for amusement. Bonus! It's the citizens who are most amused! I compare this phenomenon to the fat twins on mopeds from the Guinness Book. Remember?

Dell, which has done some memorable ads, had a major flop. It was embarrassing actually - they're partnered with the (PRODUCT)RED campaign which supports the fight against AIDS in Africa, and the best they can do is a guy being worshipped for carrying his Dell laptop around town? Huh? Also, the Bridgestone ads with people/animals/Richard Simmons getting in the way were idiotic.

The ad that created the most visceral response for me was the Godfather-inspired Audi R8 ad. The cut from the front-end-in-the-bed scene to the firing engine and futuristic headlights of the new R8 was exhilarating. That car looks awesome. Bonus props for using the phrase "put on notice".

Enough with GoDaddy's sex sells pitches. Yes they're direct, but we get it already. I'm disappointed that Danica Patrick goes along with this stuff - I thought she'd stick closer to her sport. Instead, she's going the way of Kournikova.

Best line: Cars.com's "Plan B" spot with the stone circle death match: "You should definitely step outside the circle..."

Babies are cute, we know. Somehow, E*Trade still got it right with their baby videos. It makes the point well (ease of use), makes us laugh, and capitalizes on the recent trend of YouTube baby clips being emailed around by your aunt. Also, acknowledging clown creepiness never hurts.

The FedEx carrier pigeons were a good sight gag and that's about it. "Here's a great new (absurd) idea! No? Okay maybe not." Sort of the same concept as the Bud Light fire breather / flying ads. Bob Garfield calls it "the 'what if/never mind' comedy genre", which sums it up best.

Memo to Doritos: At $2.7 Million per :30 spot, you might want to re-think putting half your spend on a girl with a guitar named Kina Grannis. Good luck measuring that ROI. I'm sure she'll really stand out from the other refreshing, folksy, granola-eating ladies cramming that genre. And notice what they eat: granola, not Doritos chips.

On to the other beverage behemoth, Pepsi. I hate admitting it, but the Justin Timberlake spot was one of the better all-around ads of the show, complete with a clever gimmick, interactive website, call to action for free MP3s, and an Andy Samberg cameo to boot. "Multimedeoric" if you will. I should coin that term, whatever that means. Diet Pepsi Max must be doing some effective advertising in general, because I knew that would be the product featured in the head nodding/bobbing ad before we actually saw it. In this case, however, the "celebrity" appearances - Chris Kattan the only exception - were cheap and unnecessary.

One of, if not the best ad was the "Silence the Stain" spot from Tide. The sheer annoyance you felt watching and listening means it was effective. Watch it again, and tell me the stain's blabbering is not reminiscent of Steve Carell's anchorman character toward the end of this Bruce Almighty clip.

All of the vitamin/life/flavored water ads are generally weird. Once you accept that, you can enjoy the Thriller-dance lizards for SoBe Life Water. Come on, we all wish we could do that entire dance in our living rooms, and although we often try, we can never get the shimmy-shimmy / feet together / clap overhead part right. I'm talking about other people, not me. But this ad begs one question: Does Naomi Campbell really matter anymore? Really? Nao- forget it.

And finally (we hope), the culmination (we hope) of the Charles Barkley + Dwyane Wade "Fave 5" ads gave me some chuckles. Two points: He really spells it "Dwyane", that is not a misprint. And "Chuckles" is a nickname often used for Charles Barkley, so... The best moment of the ad was seeing Chuckles in front of the double-wide refrigerator. For those hip to the sports scene, Mr. Barkley is generally regarded as not slim. And Mr. Wade should keep his day job, which is flopping all over the ground drawing cheap whistles, while scoring lots of meaningless points for the worst team in the NBA.

The rest of the ads were either too idiotic to mention (SalesGenie.com), or I did not see them (___). For a professional and well researched take on the ads, see Bob Garfield's column here. If you missed any or all of the ads, be thankful, but feel free to watch them here.