Luke would have asked R2D2 where to sit

Southwest Airlines is flying for the everyman. No snobby first class section, no dehumanizing 'assigned' seating, personable flight attendants, $1-cheaper adult beverages than other airlines, and planes with Earl Scheib paint jobs. If you haven't flown the purple and orange, it's important to note that until about a month ago, Southwest gave you boarding passes with nothing more than a single letter on it: A, B, or - you guessed it - C! Those 3 simple designations let you know what boarding group you were with, and gave you the incentive to arrive earlier so you could be first in line in your respective group. You would literally stand or sit in a line, cleverly marked with one of those 3 letters. Once your group was called, you filed onto the aircraft, and chose any seat you wished! Freedom is a beautiful thing.

However, some genius at SWA (probably a marketing executive) decided that this unique, effective system was giving us civilians a little too much leash. (It also apparently provoked several line skirmishes at DTW last Thanksgiving.) Rather than just skip the quirkiness and revert to assigned seating like every other carrier, they decided to subdivide the letter groups into letter-number combinations. So now your boarding pass may say something like "A39". This means that you're the 39th person to board the aircraft, with the A group, but you still get to choose your seat. Instead of getting to the airport earliest to nab the coveted "A1" position, you are now encouraged to check in online earlier. You still have seat-picking freedom, but your spot in line is now binding. I think someone once said the same thing about leather pants.

During my first experience with this new system, I realized that it had somehow turned otherwise normal, intelligent human beings into raving lunatics. Let me lay the crowd control logistics: Southwest gates now have handy letter-number signage on poles, both denoting the line positions, and recommending where your spot in those lines should be. For example, the head of the first line says "A 1-30", and down the line there are supplemental signs suggesting "1-5; 6-10" etc... Your job as passenger is to find your spot, comparing with the other humans around you to make sure you're in the right order. I had ticket A39, so I was in the "A 31-60" line, and someone with A40 was right behind me. For efficiency, they clear the 2 "A" lines first, then magically flip the head-of-line signs to "B" and, voila, the "B"s can assemble! As I waited, I noticed several people with "B" or "C" passes milling about our lines before we boarded, oblivious to the frequent PA announcements and actual SWA staffers helping them out. Actual arguments broke out about what the strange letters and numbers meant. One bold B-er just barged to the gate as the "A"s started moving. Our friendly gate guide politely informed him he had to wait, much to his surprise. Exasperated, he flung his arms in the air and asked if this whole deal could get any more complicated?!

It made me wonder - how does this guy even get to the correct gate in the first place? Which section is his car in at the economy lot? When he was informed his flight left from gate C18, did he stop to ask for directions? Does his head spin when he peers up at the overhead signage, pointing him to any of 5 lettered terminals, each with multiple numbered gates? Was he ever able to remember his wife's 'dimensions' for that special Valentine's gift? How does he choose which B vitamin to buy? What if his future includes games of Bingo or Battleship? WHAT SORT OF CRAZY ALPHA-NUMERIC NIGHTMARE IS HE LIVING IN?

Finally, the "B"s are called and he is ready to find his super special seat. BUT WAIT - each row is still numbered, each seat still lettered! Not to worry, the ever friendly SWA attendant reminds him those are simply relics of a long forgotten system, and he may sit where he pleases. Relieved, he buckles in, takes a deep breath, and gazes in awe at the newest Sharper Image nose hair trimmer in Skymall magazine. Prompted by the safety announcement, he casually pulls out the plane's emergeny instructions from the seat back, only to be slapped in the face with the reality that he is flying in an A-320* aircraft! (queue Psycho screech sound effects).

Look people, air travel is stressful and often exhausting. Take a minute to examine your surroundings, prepare your route, and for all our sakes - fly Delta and SIT WHERE YOU'RE TOLD.

(*Southwest flies only 737s, but that would have killed the gag)