Super Bowl XLIV Ad Review

Don’t worry about New Orleans anymore, ‘cause they have a winning football team! Instead, let’s put our collective focus on television advertisements. Ads carry more import than city infrastructure and economy and psychological well-being anyway, right? Well, no. But I have no answers for N'awlins, or Miami, or Indy (boo-hoo), so let’s move on.

Super Bowl XLIV had more viewers than any television broadcast in history, surpassing the legendary finale of M*A*S*H, a show from the 70s or 80s which was about an army of Idaho potato farmers fighting for survival against Irish oppressors. I’m pretty sure it starred Steve Guttenberg.

This year’s advertisers, which can be classified into two groups: “Brands” and “CBS”, obviously viewed the Super Bowl as their prime opportunity to persuade innocent fans of the Colts and Saints to start thinking about other things besides football, like how hilarious underwear can be (UNDIES!) and that Denny’s and Abe Vigoda still actually exist. These life tools are invaluable after the respective fan-nations recover from their joyous hangovers (winners) or their less joyous hangovers (losers) to realize that football season is, alas, over. For the rest of us non-rooters, casual partygoers, and TV addicts, the ads are meant to reinforce how dumb men are. Specifically men who drink Bud Light, willingly, in front of other people.

I’ve already hinted at one theme (UNDIES!), but I’ll get to that later. Another great ad theme was the string of hit CBS shows which are apparently #1! Like Lost, something, something, something, capital letters, something, capital letters Los Angeles, something, something, and of course, The Late Show with old unfunny comedians.

Speaking of old, The Who completed like the 8th straight halftime act featuring an artist whose career pinnacled before I was born. In a clear tryout for next year’s Super Bowl halftime act, KISS and mini-KISS showed up for a Dr. Pepper Cherry ad. (Mini-KISS is slated for halftime of next year’s Puppy Bowl.) Dr. Pepper Cherry: tastes just like sweaty face paint!

Bridgestone, a company that makes tires for automobiles (hopefully not Toyotas), wins the award for Brand Trying Hardest to Seem Cool Despite Fact that Most Humans Pick Whatever Tire is Carried by their Dealership or the Shop Around the Corner with Free Coffee. “Gimme the ones with those grooves in it!” They (Bridgestone, a tire company) also pulled a super lame The Hangover rip-off with their killer whale-in-car ad, with the lamest bachelor party reference of all time. Listen, Bridge-people, Goodyear long ago invented a flying machine to promote themselves, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Only one American automaker paid up the bucks for chicken-wing-interrupted glory: Dodge. Their “I will…” ad featuring a bunch of guys who were saying things about me hit home with most people in the room. It also managed to get in one of the 30 underwear references (UNDIES!) of the night. A few critics have called it whiny, but I related to it in every way. I may just have to go out and test drive a Charger after I fold this laundry and clean the litter box.

Google made a lot of people “awww” and “hey yeah, that IS Google!” with their touching spot about someone figuring out how to create totally unreasonable expectations for their relationship and life. Go watch Sleepless in Seattle again, daydreamer.

Doritos, a product my family and I always referred to as “bad breath chips”, probably had the best laughs in a macro sense (marketing jargon!) with the kid slapping his Mom’s suitor, the guy getting shock-collared, the casket dumping over, and the Doritos-clad warrior attacking dudes in ugly gym clothes. These ads were submitted by regular ol’ people, not agencies, and turned out to be more memorable and funnier than almost every other ad. It’s a YouTube world people, and we’re just living in it. I re-watched almost all of the ads in a conference room with a bunch of marketers on Monday, and everyone LOL’d when the warrior appeared.

You probably noticed the Dockers no-pants chant? I liked this ad better when it was the Dial For Men chant about 2 years ago. Unoriginal, unfunny, and filled with too many tighty whities (UNDIES!). For a good usage of pantsless people, see Careerbuilder.com’s ad. That one featured both men and ladies in their delicates (UNDIES!) as a casual Friday policy gone waaaay too far. The best line was delivered bitingly by a half nude gentleman to the lone remaining pants-wearing holdout: “Nice pants, Terry.”

FINALLY! As the commercial pointed out, men everywhere have been tearing up the gossip lines with their buddies wondering if Dove would release a “for Men” line of products, which they have! Uh…no. See above review of Dockers – this is another Dial for Men rip-off. WE’VE SEEN IT.

Basketball is a sport near and dear to my heart. I love playing it, I love watching it, I love writing about making 19 consecutive 3-pointers and how crappy the NBA Slam-Dunk competition (sponsored by Sprite!) has become. So it pained me to see McDonald’s completely abuse the memory of the classic Jordan vs. Bird game of “HORSE” ad. You remember: “from the bleachers, over the rafters, off the glass, nothing but net.” Swish. The new one—which, in true professional sports league fashion, was overhyped—featured LeBron James and Dwight Howard calling out ridiculous dunks, and then we had to watch as their herky-jerky digitally enhanced selves “completed” those dunks. The NBA is now failing at their real dunk contest and at making impossible dunks look cool on television. McDonald’s, I am most certainly NOT lovin’ it!

In another lame remake, Boost Mobile knocked off the Bears Super Bowl Shuffle from 1985. I guess if you take something that’s already hokey and stiff (but awesome at the time!) and copy it, it’s going to be hokey and stiff. And of course, there was a line about some teammate’s “cheetah print thong” (UNDIES!) to continue with the overdone theme.

This review is getting out of hand, and there are plenty of places to get professional, respected opinions on the ads by people who had time to write them two days ago. Or you can just watch them again on your own, because I just checked and New Orleans is still partying. So let me wrap up with my favorites:

Audi “Green Police”: It sounded like a real Styx song, was fun, dramatized an important topical issue, and clearly showed one of the vehicle’s consumer benefits. Audi had my favorite ad two years ago, too.

Both Coca-Cola ads: Surreal contrast of bright, wacky Simpson’s characters underneath light-hearted music and no dialogue; and the sleep-walker’s dream sequence, which happened to feature a man in boxers (UNDIES!). Both harkened to the classic feel-good message going all the way back to “I’d like to teach the world to sing…” Simply brand builders, but good ones.

Volkswagen slugging: Relatable across generations, and capped off by—no, not the kid punching grandpa in the crotch—but by Tracy Morgan’s “How do you DO that?” line to Stevie Wonder. Rarely do 2-second celebrity cameos work, but this one was perfect.

Unknown: Somewhere in this mess was Megan Fox in a bathtub. I don’t know what it was for, but I’m sure I scoffed at it and turned to my wife to tell her how much I love her. My wife, that is.

Sorry I couldn’t keep this review, uh, more brief (UNDIES!).